Slave
by TamaraJagellovsk
Summary: sequel to my story "Thank you for saying it"
1. Chapter 1

**Guess which Spike line from the show triggered this...Ebi, you're out. But thanks for the beta job! 3  
**

Buffy woke up when it was still dark outside – and she could tell that Spike was awake even before she turned in his arms. He let go of her and stood, slowly, methodically putting his clothes back on. She got up as well. Some of the candles they had lit were still burning, and the soft yellow light was enough for her to notice the set of his shoulders, the little twitch of that muscle in his jaw, the way his eyes turned hard.

"Please don't do that, Spike", she said, running her fingertips along his temple, and for a moment it looked like he would move into the touch. But he didn't.

"Do what?"

"Leave."

The pain in his eyes told her it was probably the right thing to do. For him. But she needed it said, needed it out, needed to talk about it. Look at it.

Drag it into the light, kicking and screaming. Hurt him some more. God she was a monster.

She turned her back to him because otherwise she wouldn't have been able to keep the tears in check. She wasn't even sure what the tears were about. Were they regret, guilt, sympathy? Or were they longing?

She had to ask.

"Why didn't you come to me? Call? Tell me you'd survived?"

She didn't expect him to answer, so when he did she almost jumped.

"That would've made me a slave again."

Buffy turned around, her eyes wide. She was trying to find something to say and came up empty. Spike gave her a small smile, sad, knowing, accepting.

"I've never been anything but your slave."

Buffy finally found her voice, and she said the only thing she **could** say. The one thing she should have said long ago. She'd said it before, but she felt like she should be saying it a thousand times.

"I'm so, so sorry I treated you like that."

He shook his head.

"No, that's not what I meant. I'm not after an apology. I'm just stating a fact. The Earth is round. I'm your slave. Long before you even touched me. Maybe from the first time I watched you dance at the Bronze. Dru knew, I didn't. But it's true, I'm yours. Whether you want me or not doesn't change anything about that. Whether **I** want it doesn't either. I just am."

"And you didn't want that anymore, so you stayed away."

"I **still** want it. I longed for you. I just couldn't bear living it, day by day, at your beck and call. You'd snap your fingers, I'd drop to my knees. I love you, and I want you, and I'd do anything. Whatever you need. Whatever you want. And that's why I couldn't come to you. You would have consumed me if you'd said yes. You'd have broken me if you'd said no. "

"There was a time when you **wanted** to be consumed."

"And look where that led me. What I'd almost done to you."

Buffy didn't have an answer to that. She was very tired all of a sudden.

"Spike", she whispered. "What do I do with you?"

"Just let me go. Set me free."

And just like that, without waiting for affirmation, he was gone.

Buffy curled up on the floor, the memory of his arms around her still fresh, that question on repeat in her mind. What do I do with him.

It took her almost an hour to realize her stake was missing.


	2. Chapter 2

She barely took the time to put on her jeans and top, desperately hoping it wasn't too late yet but almost sure it was. The moment she got outside she heard it. Oh God no. That sound - she knew that sound so well. A vampire getting dusted. Would a vampire dusting himself sound any different? Please no. Would Spike really do that? He'd tried it before. And she'd seen his eyes when he left. Dead, cold, all the pain safely locked away. Or rather brutally shoved down. A man on a mission. Oh God. She should have known.

The first thing Buffy noticed was a pile of dust on the ground. Her knees buckled and she fell, unable to scream, unable to cry. He'd really done it. Using **her** stake. In a brutally ironic way that made sense. Spike was gone, a life of over a century crushed, and it was her fault. If she'd treated him better back then. If she'd stayed away from him just now. If she'd made different calls. God she missed him so much it physically hurt...

And then her slayer senses kicked in. Vampire nearby. Looking up she noticed a dark figure in a crouch on the ground a few meters away. Could that -

"Spike?", she cried out and lept to her feet, rushing over to him, but she stopped dead in her tracks when she realized he was playing with her stake. He looked up at her, and for a horrible moment he reminded her of the Spike that had come back from Africa bat shit crazy.

"He wouldn't let me think. I need to think", he said, and he even sounded like back then. Contemplating the deadly weapon in his hand he mused:

"I should have done it. Bloody just done it."

That sounded way calmer, more composed, more like the later Spike - which scared her even more.

Buffy approached him like she would have approached someone who was holding a gun to their head.

"Spike."

It took him forever to focus on her again, but somehow she just knew she had to give him that time. It nearly killed her. If she just launched herself at him, would she be able to wrestle the stake out of his hand?

He finally did look at her.

"I'm sorry, Buffy. I didn't mean for you to see this."

Tears shone in his eyes and she almost missed his next words.

"I can't do it with you looking."

The stake dropped from his hand and he just sagged. Buffy moved closer, getting in the right position to kick the stake away from him. It made him smile, she could tell from his voice even though he wasn't looking at her.

"Don't worry. I won't do it."

'Not now, not with me looking', Buffy thought. She moved in, pulling him close, and he let her, but his arms didn't come up. He tolerated her holding him, but he remained completely passive. 'God what have I done to him.' They knelt on the ground, Buffy holding Spike, her mind racing. He was so still. She didn't think he was breathing. And he didn't relax into her embrace. It felt like he was waiting – waiting for her to let go. That's what he had asked her to do. Let him go. But she couldn't. She realized he'd just stay like that forever if she didn't say anything, do anything. So she whispered:

"I told you. I'm not ready for you to not be here."

He pulled back a little.

"Here?"

"In – this world."

'In my life.' She couldn't say it back then. She was dying to say it right now. But she didn't.

"There's nothing for me in this world, Buffy."

It could have been melodramatic, but it wasn't. He was stating another fact.

"I was - passing the time. Trying not to think about you. Trying to forget the way you feel, smell, taste."

And she'd dragged him back. Claimed him again. He stood, pulling her up with him and holding her at arm's length.

"Maybe I can do it again."

Maybe he couldn't.

"Promise."

He raised his eyebrow.

"Promise you what, luv?"

"Don't kill yourself. I need to know that you're -"

OK? Alive?

"- out there."

He closed his eyes.

"Don't make me."

It would mean taking away that escape. If he promised her, she **knew** he'd keep that promise. For as long as she was alive he'd stay around, no matter how much pain it might mean. Forcing that promise out of him was just as selfish as about anything else she'd ever done to him. She smiled through tears she hadn't even noticed before. She needed to set him free.

"OK", she whispered and kissed him, soft, gentle, for once trying to just give, not take from him. "I won't."

She could **taste** his relief as he framed her face and kissed her back, more forceful than she'd expected.

"I love you, slayer", he breathed, and then he let go and disappeared. Buffy kept her eyes closed until she couldn't feel his presence anymore. At least until the slayer in her couldn't.


	3. Chapter 3

**Beta'd by ebineez01, who has a lot on her mind and took the time anyway. Thanks for pointing out that little flaw :-)**

Buffy didn't hear from Spike nor did she run into him again. She was almost certain he hadn't done anything to himself – but she couldn't be entirely sure. And it was driving her nuts. Steven sat her down one evening and got the truth out of her. She was surprised at how calm he was, but all he said was:

„Honey, I told you – I'm not a jealous man. You need to let off some steam with a vamp – that's OK with me. Just don't lie to me."

Huh. She almost wished he'd make a scene, or punish her in some way, but he was his usual calm and sweet self and really didn't seem to think it was a big deal.

'As long as it's only physical', he'd said.

Was it? Spike had said it wasn't for him, and she believed him. It was obvious he loved her. But what was it that **she** felt? In any case she missed him. She wanted to be around him, talk to him. Maybe be friends, but that would never work. Let alone friends with benefits. Spike was so intense, he wanted to possess and be possessed. Scratch that. He **needed** it. It was the only way he knew how to love. And he had to be terribly lonely. Would he still be in town? Probably not. Maybe he'd gone back to Europe. Put some distance between them. Like an ocean or something. She had to know, so she went to the only source she could think of.

Angel wouldn't tell her where Spike was. He wouldn't even tell her if he **knew** where he was. Or if he was alive.

"I wouldn't tell you even if I knew", had been his exact words. He was convinced finding Spike was a bad idea. Those two were majorly bad for each other. And Buffy was a happily married woman. So what good would it do to tell her Spike was in Spain.

After Buffy had left Wolfram and Hart it took her a minute to realize her senses had kicked in – all those demons in the building had messed up her radar...but out in the street she detected a single vampire. She whirled around and pinned said vampire to the nearest wall. And then she let her go.

"Harm?"

Now that came as a surprise. Well not so much with Harmony working for Angel and all, but...anyway. Buffy cleared her throat.

"How's it going?"

"Pretty good actually. Angel has recently given me a raise, I haven't killed anyone I wasn't supposed to in over a year – oh and you should see my boyfriend."

"U-hu...I mean good for you. Why are you following me?"

Harmony leaned in.

"I accidentally forgot to plug my vampire ears when you were in Angel's office."

Great. So Harmony knew she was looking for Blondie Bear. Buffy had to suppress a grin. Why Spike hadn't staked Harm the first time she called him that was beyond her. Like a lot of things concerning Spike and Harmony were beyond her. Hell, the whole idea of Harmony and Spike -

"Barcelona", Harmony said with a surprisingly soft smile. "Spike runs W&H's branch in Italy."

At the look on Buffy's face she burst out laughing.

"Sorry. Inside joke. I know Barcelona is in Spain."

Spike had told her that more than once. She thought back to all those late night/early morning beers – vodka and blood cocktails for her, mostly – she'd had with Spike until he finally made up his mind to take Angel's offer. She had been surprised when he'd declined London, but he seemed to love all those little tapas bars he told her about when they talked on the phone. Staying out of the sun was a bit of a problem, and whenever he complained she'd tease him about reconsidering London or applying for Helsinki. But he sounded good, even happy.

Harmony realized the slayer was staring at her.

"Right. Barcelona. He's on our payroll. Checks go to this address."

She held out a slip of paper. Buffy stared at the Spanish words as if they were some demon language. And there was a phone number, too. What a weird thought. Call him. She was so deep in thought she didn't even say thank you, but Harmony just smiled and disappeared.

She didn't call. What on earth would she say to him, on the phone, an ocean away. But she imagined it, tried to remember his voice, the British accent that had always sounded exotic in Sunnydale even though she should have been used to it after all that time with Giles. How the accent had changed when he was angry, or in pain. Oh God, she missed him so badly. A phone call would only make that worse. A phone call wouldn't do.

~o0o~

Buffy looked from Harm's note to the building and back. A bookstore. Now that didn't make any sense. She'd expected a law firm's office, like the LA branch. But then again if Spike was really here, even in charge – Spike in charge of anything still sounded very weird – he wasn't really a lawyer type of guy. But a book store? Why not records, or a club, or...And then she saw him. She stood outside the store, looking in, and there he was, his back half turned, but she'd recognize his stature anywhere. He wore a black button down shirt and black jeans, and he still wasn't blonde. And that was still wrong. He was talking to a customer, and when he turned around Buffy ducked and fled. What was she supposed to say to him? In front of other people?

She looked up the store's opening hours and decided to come back later. Around closing time. Trying to pass the time in her hotel room she practiced what she was going to say to him. God when did talking to Spike become a nerve wrecking undertaking? She was the slayer, damn it. Vamp conversation should be an easy task. But it wasn't. This was Spike. William the Bloody with a soul, running the Barcelona branch of an evil law firm, in the disguise of a book store. Her head hurt from all the trying to wrap it around stuff. And then she just broke down on her bed and cried. She'd done that quite a bit in the past few weeks. Steven had never mentioned Spike again and neither had she, and she hated the fact that she hadn't been honest with her husband. Hadn't that been the only thing he'd asked of her? But what could she have told him? 'I'm off to Europe to find that vamp I'm supposed to have a purely physical bed thing with?'

~o0o~

The little bell above the door almost made Buffy jump. God, she was tense.

"Perdona, pero estamos cerrando -"

And then Spike met her eyes and just froze. Could vampires go into shock? Stupid, stupid Buffy. She should have called him. He was still staring at her, holding the book he had been about to put back in mid air. And then he dropped it. He winced as it hit the floor, picked it up and ran his thumb over the corner, again and again. Buffy came closer. She hesitated for a moment, and then she put her hand over his, stilling his movement.

"Hey", she said. "I'm sorry I didn't call first."

It so wasn't what she had practiced. But it was the only thing that came to her mind.

"Buffy."

Tired, exhausted. He finally turned to the shelf and put the book away, stalling.

"Spike."

What had she been thinking. Her turning up out of the blue – that was probably the last thing he wanted. When he finally turned back and looked at her she could read him like an open book. Everything he felt was written all over his face: Pain, hope, longing, and even a sweet, pure, childlike joy that she couldn't remember ever seeing on him.

"Buffy", he said again, and there was nothing but joy in his voice. She could tell he was holding back though, waiting for her to make a move. She lifted her hand and touched his cheek, the tiniest caress, and this time he did move into it as if he was starving. A moment later he kissed her palm, and then her wrist, and then he pulled her into his arms and buried his face in the crook of her neck.

"God, Buffy, I can't believe you're here."

She'd come. She'd found out where he was, and she'd come to him. All the way from LA just for him. Or not?

He pulled back.

"What are you doing here?"

Buffy tilted her head and raised her eyebrows.

"Seriously?"

She'd had the quip on the tip of her tongue already, but at the look in his eyes she swallowed it. She just knew if she said the wrong thing now, it'd shatter him. So she reached for his hands.

"I was looking for you."

Still not the right words. He straightened.

"Trouble in LA?"

"Spike, if there was some kind of demony problem going on, don't you think your **boss** would have called you?"

He held her eyes, waiting, his expression guarded now. Could he make this any harder?

What **was** she doing in Barcelona after all? All the lines she had practiced, all the speeches she had prepared. 'I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him -'. No. That one she had tried once, in front of the mirror, when Steven had been out with his buddies and she had gotten very, very drunk on a bottle of south African red wine, and even then she had hated it. The irony of it, the two of them, standing rooted to the spot, in a **bookstore** of all places, make her burst into laughter. And then she looked at Spike again and wished she could erase the last 15 seconds from both their lives. He looked – tortured. That was the only word she could find, and she'd seen him tortured before. The laughter died and she felt like it might choke her.

"No, Spike, I'm sorry. I'm just -"

She took a breath.

"I'm so tense I can barely breathe. Not so good with the thinking straight, either."

She moved in, deliberately invading his space, and he pulled her against his chest so hard he might have crushed her if it hadn't been a slayer in his arms.

"I missed you, Spike. It was killing me, not knowing if you were -"

"Still around?", he breathed.

"Yeah. Harmony told me where you were."

She could feel him smile against her skin.

"And you came."

"Yeah. I'm sorry it took me so long."

He let go and looked at her.

"I have eternity to wait for you, slayer. I was in no hurry."

Yeah right. As if he hadn't counted the days, just like he had back then. He still couldn't believe she had come to him. Whatever that meant, but she'd found him and made the journey, and she felt amazing in his arms. For tonight, life was good.

She stepped out of his embrace and looked around the store.

"I was expecting something else when Harm said 'Barcelona branch of W&H'."

"Yeah, well, didn't wanna be bored more to death at some office. Books are more fun."

"Huh?"

Spike gave her an amused smile but said nothing.

"Why not – I don't know, records, maybe?"

"There's no market for records these days" - Buffy was still looking at him like he'd grown another head - "but I do trade in them. Kind of an addition, for the collectors."

He gestured to the back of the store. She couldn't believe he had an actual gramophone. But hey. Ancient person present. Spike saw her looking at it.

"What do you want to hear?"

"Surprise me", she said, looking up at him. He held her eyes, unable to look away. After a beat he cleared his throat.

"I guess The Ramones won't do then."

When Buffy heard the first chords she started to smile. Spike held out his hand to her, and she took it, allowing him to lead her.

"I didn't know you could dance."

Spike glanced at the long rows of books surrounding them.

"There's a lot you don't know about me, slayer."

They didn't speak for a while, listening to Frank Sinatra, lost in thought and in each other.

 _I practice every day to find some clever  
lines to say  
To make the meaning come true  
But then I think I'll wait until the evening  
gets late  
And I'm alone with you_

Buffy chuckled.

"What?"

"Nothing."

When the song ended Buffy pulled back.  
"What is it that you want, Spike?"

He gave her the softest smile.

"What I've always wanted. You."

"Yeah but what does that mean?"

"I want you to be mine, like I've been yours for so long. Have you. Be with you."

"Yeah, but -"

"You mean what would we do, where would we live? I don't care! That's not important. I want **you**. Period."

"And you're still not willing to... you know... share?"

"Share? You? No way in hell. And it's not a matter of being willing...you don't ask a fish if it's willing to live out of water. I can't. So I guess it comes down to what **you** want, Buffy."

She retreated even further, biting her lip, avoiding his eyes.

"I'm not saying you need to make a decision now. I'm not going anywhere."

She raised her eyebrows.

"You know that I mean. Whenever you make that decision - I'll be there."

"What, you're just gonna wait for me to make up my mind?"

"What else would I do?"

"I don't know, move on?"

Spike looked at her as if she'd just said the stupidest thing in the world, but he didn't comment.

~o0o~

Back in her hotel room Buffy was pacing. When her phone rang she almost jumped out of her skin. Steven. Oh God. She felt like she couldn't breathe, but she picked up anyway.

"Hey honey, how's Europe? It's not the middle of the night over there, is it?"

When she didn't say anything he sobered.

"Honey? Buff, are you OK?"

Buffy swallowed.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good."

"You sound awful. What's wrong?"

"I can't do this over the phone."

There was a long silence.

"Buffy, what exactly is it that you're doing in Spain?"

She closed her eyes and sat down on the bed.

"It's about Spike, Steven. I'm in Europe to see Spike."

Another break.

"Oh. And you couldn't have told me that?"

"I didn't know... How things would go..."

"Yeah I guess I could have told you that. I get eternal youth and vampire strength, honey. I know you're into him. As long as you come home to me..."

Buffy couldn't say anything, and she could feel Steven tense.

"Hon, you **are** coming home, right?"

It took her too long to say yes.

"What, it's just sex, right? Letting off steam. Baby?"

"I'm not sure, Steven."

Nothing. For a long time, and then Steven said, his voice completely controlled:

"Do you love him?"

Buffy took a breath. Did she? Oh God. She thought she'd choke on the word:

"Yes."

"What about me?"

"I love you, too."

"That's bullshit."

How very alike they were. Underneath all the obvious differences , when it came to matters of the heart, they felt exactly the same way. Love couldn't be divided. They really believed that, both of them. It wasn't true for her though. She did love both of them, equally. And it broke her heart.

 **A/N: The song, in case you didn't know, is "Something Stupid".**


End file.
